My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
A bitchslap is in order.
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