I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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