I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize