Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
