LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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