I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
