So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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