i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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