you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
