There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize