paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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