Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
