i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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