my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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