I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
