be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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