Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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