seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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