our cab driver is having phone sex.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
