Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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