And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
