This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
