If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
