i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
