Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
