she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
