if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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