i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize