So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
