It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
