I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
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