i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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