I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
