New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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