My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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