it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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