So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
