so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
