Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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