Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
