Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
