yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
