He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
