: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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