If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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