her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize