you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
