the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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