He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
