just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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