trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
