i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize