This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
