when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
