What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
