Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
