I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
