am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We need to get me chipped asap
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
