I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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