just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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