You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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