she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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