Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
