i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
